Compromises Part One

Ok, 2 days ago I made a deal with my boyfriend (Yes, I'm gay...and so is he). Basically, we both recognize that I have lingering issues over my father's untimely death. Now, the issues aren't really about his death, I dealt with that part a long time ago. The real issues have to do with the ongoing lawsuits that have followed, and the trauma that they have caused me.

Basically, I have a defense mechanism in place that is keeping me from being destroyed by the emotional, legal war I am fighting. Unfortunately, it is also keeping me from achieving a particular level of emotional intimacy with by boyfriend (We'll just call him "Paco"). [FYI, Paco isn't even CLOSE to his real name, and if he ever sees this, he will find it funny that I chose that name for him.]

Ok, so Paco is pissed at me for not giving him the emotional intimacy to which he believes he's entitled. At the very least, he wants to know that I am working on my issues so that he doesn't feel like he's wasting his time with me. Ok, on a cognitive level, I can totally understand that. But on an emotional level, I feel pressured and even, in some ways, betrayed. He just doesn't understand the kind of mess I really am deep down. I mean, I feel like if I let down my defenses for him, I won't be able to do it selectively. At the same time, I'm afraid that I won't be able to put them back up to protect myself from the pain that my enemy is trying very hard to inflict upon me. I feel like I would be vulnerable, and open to attack. And it isn't like we're talking about an attack that MIGHT happen, no, we are talking about ANOTHER attack (see, it has already happened) that WILL happen...and soon.

So, this is the deal...I am supposed to be looking into finding a therapist for myself. I'll tell ya, it's hard for a therapist to admit that he needs one of his own. It's even harder to find one close enough to be practical (Hello, Gasoline is $2.95 /gal here today, and I drive an SUV!!!), and yet distant enough for the arrangement to be anonymous.

Regardless, I have agreed to do it, and I fully intend to do it. I told Paco that it's going to be rough. I'm going to get worse (in terms of my emotional stability and availability) before I get any better. He seems to be supportive of that. I can only wonder if he'll still mean it when he sees what kind of a wreck I could become. I mean, I'm terrified that if I start this process, and open myself up, he won't be able to handle it and I'll be vulnerable AND alone. Eww, NOT a pretty thought (and not pretty to realize as I type it).

Well, as it stands, his friends are throwing a surprise birthday party for another of his friends tonight. I am invited, and will be going. I suppose it will be another night of pretending that everything is ok between us, when the reality is that we are FAR from ok right now. Ugh, welcome to my little world.