Insomnia

Have you ever had to deal with insomnia? If you haven't, it is extremely hard to understand. Surely just about everyone has experienced sleeplessness at some point, this is natural. What is not quite right is when you either don't sleep at all, can't stay asleep, don't get enough sleep, or your sleep is not restful. I am currently dealing with the latter type.

I'll tell you it's awful. I FEEL like I haven't had any sleep in at least a week. I have dark circles around the bottom HALF of each of my eyes, my eyes themselves burn and tingle a little, I have a near constant, very dull headache, and I'm continuously, mildly nauseated. I feel very sensitive to temperature and light changes, am rather irritable and have few patience.

This is a form of torture (no really, it is, look up sleep deprivation & brainwashing techniques).

What's even worse is when the people in your life are COMPLETELY insensitive to what you are going through. I know it isn't really their FAULT. Chances are, most of these people haven't experienced this level of insomnia themselves. They have NO IDEA how bad it is.

Now, I feel pretty confident that I know where mine is coming from. I have WAAAAYYYY too many things going on right now...

1. Work is very busy (and let's not forget the paperwork that goes along with it).
2. I have extra duties right now while the boss is out of town.
3. Taxes are coming up and I'm a procrastinator (probably related to this whole sleep thing).
4. I have household things to do like laundry, vacuuming, trash, keeping up with the cat's needs, dishes, grocery shopping etc...
5. I'm terribly worried about my abilities when it comes to taking the GRE.
6. Likewise I'm terribly worried about getting into a PhD program in time to finish before I'm 40.
   
7. I'm feeling a LOT of pressure to get my house packed up (and trust me this is a HUGE job).
8. Paco is pissed at me because I'm not attending to things he has designated as top priority.
9. I'm pissed at Paco because I feel like he is being incredibly insensitive (and I'm just plain irritable and sensitive myself...see above). It doesn't help that he knows about my sleep problems and just doesn't understand.
10. I don't understand why when Paco wants express himself he seems to automatically jump to an adversarial position. I find myself just trying to make him happy, please him, ease his worries...all the while my own are mounting exponentially. I DESPISE walking eggshells. I understand that I haven't been as responsive as perhaps I should be lately...but good God, I really feel like I don't have the ability at the moment. ALL of my empathy is going to the people who pay for it...my clients. I just don't have anything else left right now.
    

There are more things to write, but I just can't anymore. I can't even tell you how many typos I've had to correct in this entry just because my fingers won't type what I want them too (time to get fitted for replacements I guess).

I'm a zombie who has to DRAG himself out of bed and to the office each day. I just want to cry (but I can't really do that either right now...too numb from the bad sleep).

Out of necessity, I have decided to take next week off of work. I really don't have any other choice. It's going to hurt financially, but, I NEED to clear up this sleep thing and I NEED to make some progress on the house that Paco can SEE. I want to make him but happy, but lately it seems that I can do nothing right.


"More......BRAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIINS!!!!!!!!"

--Iton

Well It's about time!

I'm shocked. I'm stunned. I'm ecstatic!

No beating around the bush! My sister has, finally, officially announced her engagement to her boyfriend of seven years! After all that time, and many protestations against the concept of marriage, they have announced their pending nuptials. The even will take place in roughly 1 year.

I'm loving this. My sister's fiancee is great. He's smart, funny, pleasant to look at and just generally a very cool guy. I'm very happy to have him joining our messed up little family. I'm happy that my sister has decided to make it official. I'm happy that my mom will have the opportunity to see one of her kids have a (somewhat) traditional ceremony (minus the church and white gown however). (remember, I'm gay, and I live in Michigan. Gay marriage is still illegal here and will likely remain so for the foreseeable future.)

My sister has asked me to stand up with her at the wedding. She's not going to have Maid of Honor. No, instead she is going to have a Man of Honor." No I'm not wearing a dress. No I'm not carrying a bouquet. And, as for the bachelorette party... she's not so sure yet. LOL Life sure can be interesting at times!

"Ensign. Set a course, bearing 3-1-2 MARK 0-8. ENGAGE!"

--Iton

You! Shake your Junk!

Oh Dear!

Well, the boss has been out of town for a few weeks. I'm holding down the fort in her absence. I'm pulling a lot of 10-hour days and am just BEAT when I get home each night. That's ok though, I don't really mind. It's just that once I leave the office, my brain sort of shuts off. This would be fine except for the fact that I have LOTS of things to get done. Oh well, another issue for another time.

I have something MUCH more interesting to discuss: TRANSFERENCE.

It has finally happened. Once of my clients believes that she is in love with me. I know what you are thinking. Yes, there are a LOT of problems with that situation. However, it is a VERY well known, very common, and very OLD phenomenon.

Freud himself talked about transference. (not that I'm necessarily a big Freud fan, but the reference speaks to the age of the phenomenon)

For now, I'm going to be extremely professional about it. I have to be. I mean, in college, when we discussed it, I remember one of my professors explaining that "if you are even HALF good at therapy, it will happen to you at some point." So, I guess that, in a little bit of a twisted way, this is a compliment. It speaks to my ability to build good rapport and empathize with my clients.

I already know how I'm going to handle it. First, I will call her in to discuss it. You see, we have to get it "out on the table." Next, I will explain transference to her. Hopefully she will understand that she only THINKS that she is in love with me. Her FEELINGS are just a bit misdirected. I will attempt to work professionally and compassionately with her to move past the issue. If she is unable or unwilling to move past the transference, I will be forced to offer to transfer her to another therapist.

Let's hope it doesn't come to that. I like her, as a client, and I had thought we were making some progress. Oh well, we'll see.

[WARNING: SYNAPTIC FAILURE. CLEVER QUOTE UNAVAILABLE]

--Iton

Tell me about your mother......

WOW! Has it really been 2 entire weeks since I've written anything? My apologies to BOTH ;) of my regular readers.

Much has happened in the past 2 weeks. I think I will probably do multiple posts so that I can cover each topic individually. I think it will be easier to read as well.

First, the News! Paco has finally found the blog! I honestly don't know how much of it he has read, or if he continues to read it, but I have to assume that he's checking in from time to time. I'll admit, that fact makes me feel a little strange. But It's all good. This is a public forum and I knew full well that he would find it eventually.

The blog was never meant to be a secret, per se. It isn't like I was hiding it from him. But I'll tell ya, it was a touch strange to have him discussing issues with me that I had written about here. Eh, I'll adjust. Not a bad thing, just a little bit of a strange feeling. EVERYONE WELCOME PACO!!!!

Now to get Paco writing in his own blog. :)

"God, get out of bed, you'll miss the best part of the day!" "I don't want to get out of bed, and besides, I haven't invented the best part of the day yet. Yeahhhhhh, who's a clever kid?"

--Iton