Thursday, December 28, 2006

Oh Plur!


Oh boy. Did you ever see "The Stand?" I just finished it. I want those 6 hours of my life back! I do realize that its an old one. I do realize that I'm rather behind. But still, Mr. King kind of hurt me with this one (as in it was painful to watch). I expected so much more. I suppose I'll have to pin my hopes of holiday creepiness on BLACK CHRISTMAS.

See, the thing is, I'm more of a Zombie kind of guy as opposed to a slasher-flick type. Still, Christmas=GOOD, Blood and Gore = GOOD, Cheesy B-Movie acting = GOOD! When I was a kid, my sister and I would rent crappy horror movies for our BETA machine. We had a bit of a rating scale which we based on the number of times the "blood" looked recycled and used again. I have a feeling that BLACK CHRISTMAS will rate somewhere on this scale. If I can manage to get Paco to sit through a horror movie at all, let alone a slasher, I'll reveal the scale. :)

...We're coming to get you, Barbera...

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Insert Clever Title Here

Aren't "Stealth Gifts" fun? In case you've never heard of such a thing, a "Stealth Gift" (SG) is a present that you give or receive that is well disguised. Such as a gift card wrapped in a large box with stones or something in it to make the box heavier, and thus, the gift very difficult to discern.

Sarcastically, a SG is something very generic, like a gift card, CD, DVD, etc, that COULD be disguised, but is not occluded at all. Usually you can tell almost exactly what this gift is before you open it.

Anyway, Paco got me a real Stealth Gift. It was fun and surprising. GO PACO! He also was quite fond of the laser-engraved iPod video I got for him. (Bye Bye budget!)

Now, if only the Lottery commission would give me a SG (you know, like, "Oh, we reported the wrong lotto numbers, you actually DID win $300 Million!!"). Now THAT'D be a Christmas to remember.

I got myself a few Christmas presents too. I just bought them today (had to wait an make sure no one else got them for me). So, it will be a week or two before they get here.

Did you buy yourself any presents this year?

"Ooooh Grrrl, He is SOO white!"

--Iton

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Oh what a schmuck!

Yes yes, I know I have been neglecting the blog lately. My bad!

Well, today is the day after Christmas. I haven't seen Paco since Thursday night / Friday morning. Since he's not yet out to his family, I couldn't come with him to his mother's house, way up north (Alpena, MI). This does make me a bit sad. I miss him and wish we could have spent the holiday together. He assures me that next year we will spend Christmas together "One way or another."

He's going to be back in town tonight, and tonight is when we will open our gifts from each other. I can't wait to see his face when he sees what I got him. Hehehehe.

I got over my little "love" problem a while ago. I've said it, and I meant it. Now it's his turn...time to tell the family. I mean, we have been looking at houses together. And for the love of, well, whatever you want, I am not going to be the "roommate" in my own home. I want him to come out in his own time, and his own way...but I will not wait forever, nor will I compromise who I am while waiting. Is this wrong of me?

CARF looms on the horizon. We know that they will be coming in January or February of 2007. They won't tell us exactly when until 2 weeks for they show up...nice eh? So, we are finishing up all the loose ends there. In fact, I've spent the last several days working on Database stuff (MS Access 2003) for exactly that. I'm talking Year End stats, demographics, survey statistics...nothing fun I'll tell ya!

What was fun was our trip to Tampa in November. We got a bug up our collective butts for a vacation. We picked up a rather last minute package to go to Busch Gardens in Tampa, FL. Oi! Lessons learned....
  1. Never plan a vacation at the last minute.
  2. Never pick a hotel because it is cheap.
  3. Never assume that a park / hotel package is anything other than a business arrangement. (Hello, the hotel was 30 minutes away from the park, and there was no shuttle or anything...LAME!)
  4. ALWAYS fly First Class when you can (Oh I LOVE frequent flyer miles).
  5. ALWAYS drink as much as you can get away with on the plane (at least when the drinks are included, such as in First Class).
There will be more added later. ;)

Ciao for now. Here's hoping some stockings REALLY get stuffed tonight. ;)

Monday, October 02, 2006

Absent Friends

Oi! I knew I was going to have a hard time keeping up with this Blog. It can be really difficult for me to remember to, and actually do things like this. I suppose that is even more the case when I don't really feel like I have anything to say.

UPDATES:
Ok, the Palm Treo 650 Thingy: All better now. I did have to have the unit replaced at the store where I bought it. They were a whole lot more hassle, but it finally got resolved. The Sprint Store even ended up tossing in a $50 credit on my account for my trouble. ;)

I've been using the Treo 650 for a couple of months now. I Love the thing! It is an absolute dream for me to not have to carry around 2 different devices, charge 2 different devices, travel with 2 charges for the devices...etc. LOVE IT.

On the Linux Thingy: Ok, I gave up for now. I am no longer running my server system at all. Somehow my Ubuntu got corrupted...it was a MAJOR hassle to fix. I was JUST BARELY able to salvage my data off of the system. I tried to get into the Windows Server 2003 family...Ugh, more registration hassles. So, I decided, for the time being, screw it!

On the Paco Thingy: Paco and I are still going strong. In fact, we got pre-approved for a mortgage and are looking at houses! Sure, we can't do anything about it until the market shapes up a bit, but we are looking nonetheless!

Absent Friends

Oi! I knew I was going to have a hard time keeping up with this Blog. It can be really difficult for me to remember to, and actually do things like this. I suppose that is even more the case when I don't really feel like I have anything to say.

UPDATES:
Ok, the Palm Treo 650 Thingy: All better now. I did have to have the unit replaced at the store where I bought it. They were a whole lot more hassle, but it finally got resolved. The Sprint Store even ended up tossing in a $50 credit on my account for my trouble. ;)

I've been using the Treo 650 for a couple of months now. I Love the thing! It is an absolute dream for me to not have to carry around 2 different devices, charge 2 different devices, travel with 2 charges for the devices...etc. LOVE IT.

On the Linux Thingy: Ok, I gave up for now. I am no longer running my server system at all. Somehow my Ubuntu got corrupted...it was a MAJOR hassle to fix. I was JUST BARELY able to salvage my data off of the system. I tried to get into the Windows Server 2003 family...Ugh, more registration hassles. So, I decided, for the time being, screw it!

On the Paco Thingy: Paco and I are still going strong. In fact, we got pre-approved for a mortgage and are looking at houses! Sure, we can't do anything about it until the market shapes up a bit, but we are looking nonetheless!

Absent Friends

Oi! I knew I was going to have a hard time keeping up with this Blog. It can be really difficult for me to remember to, and actually do things like this. I suppose that is even more the case when I don't really feel like I have anything to say.

UPDATES:
Ok, the Palm Treo 650 Thingy: All better now. I did have to have the unit replaced at the store where I bought it. They were a whole lot more hassle, but it finally got resolved. The Sprint Store even ended up tossing in a $50 credit on my account for my trouble. ;)

I've been using the Treo 650 for a couple of months now. I Love the thing! It is an absolute dream for me to not have to carry around 2 different devices, charge 2 different devices, travel with 2 charges for the devices...etc. LOVE IT.

On the Linux Thingy: Ok, I gave up for now. I am no longer running my server system at all. Somehow my Ubuntu got corrupted...it was a MAJOR hassle to fix. I was JUST BARELY able to salvage my data off of the system. I tried to get into the Windows Server 2003 family...Ugh, more registration hassles. So, I decided, for the time being, screw it!

On the Paco Thingy: Paco and I are still going strong. In fact, we got pre-approved for a mortgage and are looking at houses! Sure, we can't do anything about it until the market shapes up a bit, but we are looking nonetheless!

Absent Friends

Oi! I knew I was going to have a hard time keeping up with this Blog. It can be really difficult for me to remember to, and actually do things like this. I suppose that is even more the case when I don't really feel like I have anything to say.

UPDATES:
Ok, the Palm Treo 650 Thingy: All better now. I did have to have the unit replaced at the store where I bought it. They were a whole lot more hassle, but it finally got resolved. The Sprint Store even ended up tossing in a $50 credit on my account for my trouble. ;)

I've been using the Treo 650 for a couple of months now. I Love the thing! It is an absolute dream for me to not have to carry around 2 different devices, charge 2 different devices, travel with 2 charges for the devices...etc. LOVE IT.

On the Linux Thingy: Ok, I gave up for now. I am no longer running my server system at all. Somehow my Ubuntu got corrupted...it was a MAJOR hassle to fix. I was JUST BARELY able to salvage my data off of the system. I tried to get into the Windows Server 2003 family...Ugh, more registration hassles. So, I decided, for the time being, screw it!

On the Paco Thingy: Paco and I are still going strong. In fact, we got pre-approved for a mortgage and are looking at houses! Sure, we can't do anything about it until the market shapes up a bit, but we are looking nonetheless!

Absent Friends

Oi! I knew I was going to have a hard time keeping up with this Blog. It can be really difficult for me to remember to, and actually do things like this. I suppose that is even more the case when I don't really feel like I have anything to say.

UPDATES:
Ok, the Palm Treo 650 Thingy: All better now. I did have to have the unit reaplaced at the store where I bought it. They were a whole lot more hassle, but it finally got resolved. The Sprint Store even ended up tossing in a $50 credit on my account for my trouble. ;)

I've been using the Treo 650 for a couple of months now. I Love the thing! It is an absolute dream for me to not have to carry around 2 different devices, charge 2 different devices, travel with 2 charges for the devices...etc. LOVE IT.

On the Linux Thingy: Ok, I gave up for now. I am no longer running my server system at all. Somehow my Ubuntu got corrupted...it was a MAJOR hassle to fix. I was JUST BARELY able to salvage my data off of the system. I tried to get into the Windows Server 2003 family...Ugh, more registration hassles. So, I decided, for the time being, screw it!

One the Paco Thingy: Paco and I are still going strong. In fact, we got pre-approved for a mortgage and are looking at houses! Sure, we can't do anything about it until the market shapes up a bit, but we are looking nonetheless!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Let's do the Time Warp Again.....

Right, uh, I'm am not good at keeping up with things. This blog for instance. Lol

So, I bought a new cell phone. I got a Sprint, PalmOne Treo 650. This thing really rocks. I'm a longtime user of Palm products. I am very familiar with the interface, have a ton of software that, usually, just works, and I already have all my addresses and phone numbers and stuff ready to sync. Oh what a dream.

Or so I thought!

Well, the I got keeps crashing. After talking with Sprint Tech support, it seems mine has hardware problems. Not biggie, they are going to replace it for me. But OH THE HORROR of dealing with the Sprint Store.

Ghetto Hoes on the phone, 20 minutes at a time on hold (hello, this is a small store, NOT Sprint Corporate)., People telling me not only that orders are placed, but when to expect them in, only to arrive at the store to find that nothing was ever ordered in the first place.

I really could go on and on about this, but I think you all get the gist. I love my Sprint phones (I accept the occasional lemon, but why do I always seem to be the guys that gets them), I love my Sprint service, but I HATE HATE HATE the RUDE AND STUPID EMPLOYEES AT THE SPRINT STORE!!!

Have you had a bad experience with the people (any carrier, Verizon, Sprint, Cingular...etc.)? I wanna hear about it.

OH! I almost forgot, people may wonder why I bought the Treo 650 when the 700p is out and a bit more fabulous... It's like this, If I want the 700p, I have to get Sprint's Power Vision service (much faster data connections). It is REQUIRED for the phone. Power vision costs 2.5 X what regular Vision costs. So, I'd have to go from paying $10 a month for data to $25 a month. Ummm, I don't bloody think so. This is the ONLY reason I didn't get the 700p.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Tom Thumb and his Management Minions

YIKES! Now, I knew that the CARF process was detailed, but can anyone say "Micromanaged?"

Holy Micromanaged bullsh*t Batman!!!

Now, I can't possibly get into all the crap they want from us, but let me just say that it sux sux sux sux sux!!!

Why couldn't I have just been a dumb jock and become a porn star? That would have been so much easier and so much more fun. Sure I'd have to take 10 pills a day. Sure I'd be lucky to live to 40. But Sheesh, at least I wouldn't have to prepare for a CARF audit.

...Almost seems worth it right about now.

Alas, I was born with a brain, no desire to spend 4 hours a day in the gym, eat only boiled chicken and spinach, and well, a normal sized, uh, well you-know-what.

So I suffer. And Suffer. And Suffer.

I guess I'll be better off for it. I mean, nothing like the current audit to get you prepared for the next one.

So, I sit here, typing away on my laptop, wirelessly connected to the internet that I paid another $10 for. (I bought the wired connection, but I have a wireless pocket router that is working nicely thank you very much) I am enjoying my 4th floor view of 2 mega-parking lots, the freeway, and a BRIGHT Marquee/Billboard that goes with one of those parking lots (Ooh, George Lopez will be here on the 29th!!! {who the f*ck is George Lopez??}).

Wow, I must be cranky...again! I suppose baby needs a nap. I am SOOO not a morning person, and I had to be up at 7:00 this morning after barely sleeping.

Ok, time for a nappy-poo.

Wyndham, What a ham!

Sheesh. You know, you’d think that a hotel that charged you $139 a night (and this is the discounted rate we’re getting for attending the conference) they MIGHT INCLUDE your internet access. HA! No such luck at this dump. They want to charge me $10.00 a day for either wired or wireless access (and I can't have both). BLOW ME WAYPORT! On top of that insult, the front desk tells me that internet is waived if you are part of their rewards program, which is free. GREAT! SIGN ME UP! She tells me this, “No problem, but it doesn’t activate until your next stay.” Fat lot of good that does me!!!

So fine, I decide I’ll just use my Bluetooth connection to my cell phone (SprintPCS). As Murphy would have it, that didn’t want to work for me. And that is strange because it has always worked for me in the past. Sounds a little fishy to me, but what can I do? Grrr, BUY that DAMN WAYPORT of course.

Anyhow, the trip was fine. The shuttle to the hotel was fine. The rooms, well, they were kind of so-so. The wallpaper is peeling, there are stains on the carpet and furniture, and the batteries in the TV remote DESPERATELY need to be changed. ;)

Ok, enough complaining about the hotel. Suffice it to say that The Wyndham O’Hare in Rosemont, Il is NOT WORTH THE MONEY. STAY SOMEWHERE ELSE!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Its CARF! Its MADNESS! Its CARF MADNESS!

Well, it is the time of year when Mental Health Professionals begin descending on conference halls across the country. They do this in order to get the latest and greatest information about CARF.

CARF is an accreditation body for my field. It so happens that without this type of accreditation, most insurance companies will not pay us to provide services to their subscribers. So, if we don't have CARF accreditation, we don't get paid.

I'm leaving Detroit this afternoon for Chicago. The next 2 days will be spent desperately absorbing as much info about CARF as humanly possible. You see, my facility is due to be AUDITED by CARF soon. They actually send people, physically, to the facility and inspect EVERYTHING. They check our building, our security, our record keeping, the records themselves, our financial stability, and about 2 million other things. It is WORSE than the IRS.

Ideally, none of this is a HUGE problem. Most facilities just keep up with the changing rules and regulations. Unfortunately, we've fallen behind. When my boss took over this practice from the other partners a couple of years ago, he wasn't all that familiar with CARF. The other partners handled that mess of duties. Now that we are due to be audited, he is crapping his pants realizing how far we've drifted from the MIRCO-MANAGED standards that CARF sets forth.

I'm going with him to the conference because, frankly, preparing for the CARF audit is AT LEAST a two-person job. That and I'm due to become a partner in the business in the next year or two.

I expect that this conference is going to be DEADLY BORING. I really hope I'm wrong. I'll add updates as we go.

Wish me luck. I have a feeling I'm going to need it (if for nothing else, just to stay awake).

I have to get packed, like, now.... I wonder if Red Bull flies well... :)

Oh Lordy Loo! What Now?!?! (Summer Shine)

What happens to people in the summer?

As a mental health professional, to some degree, other people's misery is my bread and butter. Now of course this is a totally grim and cynical perspective. But there is truth there nevertheless.

Absolutely my job is to, well, work myself out of a job. I get paid to help people learn how to do 1 (or more) of the following three things..
  1. Learn to cope
  2. Learn to make a change
  3. Make a choice
The idea is that once they have learned how to do these things on their own, they will no longer need my services. Great, fantastic, whoo hooo! This is the good part about it.

The bad part is, honestly, when they no longer need me, I no longer get paid. I consider myself an ethical professional. I follow the rules, and I DO NOT keep people in therapy just to collect from them. What I am complaining about is the phenomenon that I call Summer Shine.

Summer Shine is what happens to my business when the weather is nice. Suddenly, people don't have problems anymore. They are no longer depressed, anxious, or confused. They believe that their problems just dried up with the snow and the spring rain. And to some degree, they are absolutely right.

Summer Shine has some basis in factual science. Without getting too technical, yes, the nicer weather has physiological effects that do in fact improve our overall moods, temporarily.

The problem lies in that when Summer Shine wears off, the clients come running back (Late August, Early September around here). Their lives have essentially fallen apart, and they are DESPERATE to see me again. That's fine, it's one of the reasons that I am here. But, my issue is that if they only could recognize that Summer Shine is temporary, they might continue their therapy through the beautiful summer weather, and actually make progress. Instead, they neglect their emotional issues because the weather is nice, and they kind of feel better. But that whole time they think they are feeling better, they are backsliding in the progress they made up until the Summer Shine kicked in.

The worst part about Summer Shine is how the parents use it against their children. See, the majority of my clients are children. They range in ages from about 6 through about 16 at the moment). I'm good with them. They like me, their parents like me, and we make progress. The unfortunate reality is that PARENTS get affected by Summer Shine, and they THINK that their children are affected by it as well. Sometimes they are, but usually, they aren't.

My theory is this: Most of the kids I see aren't in therapy because of Seasonal Affective Disorder (kind of the opposite of Summer Shine). Most of the kids I see aren't depressed or anxious. Most of them are there for much more chronic issues like ADD/ADHD, ODD, or various Adjustment Disorders (which usually aren't all that chronic).

These things do NOT go away when the Sun shines. The parents feel the stress of their children's issues lighten, due to the parents' experience of Summer Shine. So they pull their children out of therapy for the Summer. Meanwhile, all the progress we've made to date starts to slip away. When they come back a few months later, things are even worse than they were before.

My wish is that parents would stick to the Treatment Plans that we formulate with them. We do that for a reason, not just for our own health. We try to show the severity of the issue, how long we EXPECT the treatment course to take, and what we are going to do in order to achieve the desired impact. I ALWAYS tell my clients to give me a termination session. That is 1 final session where we review our progress, and reinforce the things that the client has learned. They always agree to it. They RARELY follow through.

More often than not, it doesn't happen. Therapy for their children becomes a low priority for the parents. They miss a session or two (incurring "no show" charges in the process) and just stop coming altogether.

Perhaps you could think about it like a water balloon. When you attach your balloon to the faucet, you begin to fill it with water. The balloon stretches and takes more and more water (until its physical limit of course). When you remove the balloon from the faucet, you are probably pinching the open end so that the water doesn't leak out. Then you tie it into a knot and throw it at your brother, sister or other unsuspecting victim. But what happens when you don't tie that knot? Well, if you let go of the balloon, almost all of the water is going to be expelled from the balloon. It will leak out all over the place. Before you know it, you have an empty balloon again, and if you want to use it as a water balloon again, you have to fill it, AGAIN.

Therapy is kind of like that. The balloon is the client, the water is the therapy, and the knot is the termination session.

Since I can't force the clients to come back, I can only have faith enough that I taught them what they needed to know, and HOPE that they learned how to tie their own knots. But when they haven't learned how, and don't allow me the opportunity to do it with them, all our progress goes down the drain. With it goes the client's (and/or the client's parents') faith in the counseling process. Somehow then it becomes my fault that their issues come back. "You didn't fix my kid. He's worse off than before we came to see you in the first place." I just want to tell them "Maybe he wouldn't be if you had allowed us to finish what we started." I mean, really, you don't pull a cast off of your broken arm after 2 weeks because its starting to feel better now do you? No, because you risk damaging the fragile healing process that is STILL OCCURRING beneath the surface.

My point is this: FINISH YOUR TREATMENT PLANS AND TERMINATE PROPERLY IF YOU EXPECT TO SEE ANY RESULTS. Otherwise, don't bitch to me about it...unless you want to pay our facility another $70 per hour listen to it. Which, of course, we are more than happy to take.

Back to you Joan.....

Monday, July 10, 2006

Mr. Paco

Paco (again, not his real name), my boyfriend was with me for the weekend. As per usual, he comes to my house after work on Friday and we spend the weekend together. You see, I live alone, he has a roommate. It is just nicer than having to deal with roommate-related crapola. Unfortunately for him, it means driving the 30 miles each weekend, each direction. Sometimes it works out that when Monday rolls around, he has to be somewhere near my house, and it's actually closer for him. This usually is not the case.

So, this weekend followed the profile. He met me at my house Friday evening, he went to bed early. We did stuff over the weekend, and , atypically, he left Monday morning instead of Sunday night.

Funny thing is, Paco never mentioned our "deal" at all this weekend. Now, he knows what kind of procrastinator I really am, so why didn't he even ask if I had made any progress on that? Maybe he's respecting my "space." Or, maybe he's not feeling it because we are back to "status quo" in our relationship. Either is true, the former is more likely IMHO.

I guess I will make some calls today and get started on that process. Ugh, I am SOOO NOT looking forward to digging up all my emotional sh*t. I did promise though, and I like to consider myself a man of my word.

Again with this....

CRAP! ;)

Allright, I've managed to get my file-sharing to work with Windows. It was a big pain in the butt, and took a long time. Folks say that Samba is easy and simple, folks lie! I had to do a LOT of research and run through a LOT of trial and error to get it working. I ended up combining tips and info from FIVE (yes, 5) DIFFERENT sources to make it work. Let me stress that..COMBINED...eg, no one site had everything I needed to make it work here. This is exactly why the masses aren't ready for Linux, or is it that Linux isn't ready for the masses? I dunno.

The major point here is... 2 DOWN!! (I didn't write about it, but I get the Remote Desktop stuff working this weekend. I used FreeNX as available through Ubuntu Package Releases by Seveas, and an OLD NOMACHINE v1.3 client on my windows machine that I found via some odd posting somewhere on the net, hosed in RUSSIA!).

Ok, so the next major tasks are PALM SYNCING (and doing it via Bluetooth), and P2P file sharing. We shall soon see!

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Damn Computer!

...perhaps just a slight exaggeration. :)

Ok, so, Xubuntu didn't work out so well for me. I'm not completely sure why, but I was having a hell of time a time getting it to do what I wanted. So, I erased that and moved up to its big brother, Ubuntu.

Slowly but surely, I am getting it set up, doing all the things I want it to do. The file sharing / network serving is a nightmare. Getting the Palm running via Bluetooth is a nightmare.

More later

Friday, July 07, 2006

Xubuntu Strikes Back

Installing the Xubuntu "Live" CD was simple as pie. I burned the ISO image, booted from the CD and VOILA! I was running Xubuntu. I click on 1 button and it installs to my hard drive...NICE.

There are other things to deal with now. Like getting the thing to do the things that I want from the thing and its things. ;) In other words, making it do all the requisite activities I have previously laid out.

Not easy when you aren't all that familiar with Linux. I have used it before, and I can get around in Linux. But it remains somewhat foreign to me.xdfgg53124e [that was my cat saying "Hi."]

Anyhow, I'll plug along and see what I can get done.

Paco is coming over tonight, like he does almost every weekend. I really hope he doesn't push me on the therapy thing. I'm on it, but I don't want to be hounded, ya know?

Peace bDiddle!

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Compromises Part Three

Ok, the last compromise is with myself.

It's like this, I'm 31 years old, and have never had a "hot body." I realize that the older I get, the harder it will be. I'm just lazy. I like to plop on the couch and watch TV after work. I like to wake up to surfing the net and reading my email. I don't like to sweat. And I don't like to feel pain.

This doesn't put me in a good position now does it?

Well, off and on, throughout my adult life, I've been able to stick to workout plans for a few months at a time. Then, without fail, SOMETHING happens (anything really). I get out of the habit, and the next thing I know it's been 6 months or more since I broke a sweat.

I have a $3,000, lifetime gym membership (seriously, I never have to pay another penny). I have a Bowflex, and I have a Bowflex Treadclimber. The Treadclimber (BTC) is the latest addition to my, uh, collection.

My thought is this...I know I don't like pain, and I know that aerobic exercise burns calories. Burning calories eventually burns fat. Burned fat means a smaller waistline. I'm more interested in getting the fat off than I am putting the muscle on, for now.

So, I've been working on the BTC becoming a routine for me. To that end, I'm going to keep track of my progress on here for a while, and see what happens.

Today it was 30 minutes, level 1, set at #218 Lbs (my current weight and I am 6'3" tall). I also did 20 + 15 crunches. I like to start slow and work up to an intense workout. Slow and steady seems to work for me. I don't feel crippled 2 days later, AND I get to see myself make real progress.

Now, if I could only find a way to eat healthier AND like it AND not feel hunger all the time......

Compromises Part Two

Ok, the other compromise is nowhere near as dramatic. I'm a bit of a tech geek. I have 5 computers in my home, 4 DVRs, and a bunch of other tekkie-toys. Recently, my "server" computer needed some attention. It was running Windows XP Professional (pirated). I do a lot of Remote Desktop stuff with it. These are my primary uses:

  1. Unified Email: Using Mozilla Thunderbird, this system accesses my multiple and compartmentalized IMAP email servers. I use this system because I like to be able to access it, the exact same way from anywhere, anytime.
  2. File Sharing: Yes Yes, it is illegal, but I like to collect "warez." It helps a lot to have a system that I don't use all the time, but is online all the time. This is especially true of the IRC where I get the majority of my stuff.
  3. Palm Server: It makes sense to me that I can access my Palm desktop via Bluetooth, anytime, without "starting up" my system and waiting for it to boot. It's almost always booted. Trust me, I use this one a LOT.
  4. File Server: I keep lots of backup stuff on an external HDD attached to this system, which give me access ANYTIME.
Of course I do other things with it too, but these are the biggies.

The problem is that my pirated copy of XP leaves me in a lurch for security updates. It also is threatening to shut me off if I don't activate it in the next 30 days. (DAMN YOU BILL!!!!!)

So, fine, I don't want to pay for an extra copy of XP, and Microsoft doesn't want me to use it for free. FINE! I'm going to try Linux...AGAIN! (So, Microsoft also doesn't make any bank in royalties and licensing for my 3rd party apps either. HA!) This time it is going to be Xubuntu (a "lightweight" version of Ubuntu Linux). As long as I can do my remote desktop connections, run my email, manage my Palm (via Bluetooth), and serve my files, I should be ok....and it's free and legal.

I'll post more on that project later.

Compromises Part One

Ok, 2 days ago I made a deal with my boyfriend (Yes, I'm gay...and so is he). Basically, we both recognize that I have lingering issues over my father's untimely death. Now, the issues aren't really about his death, I dealt with that part a long time ago. The real issues have to do with the ongoing lawsuits that have followed, and the trauma that they have caused me.

Basically, I have a defense mechanism in place that is keeping me from being destroyed by the emotional, legal war I am fighting. Unfortunately, it is also keeping me from achieving a particular level of emotional intimacy with by boyfriend (We'll just call him "Paco"). [FYI, Paco isn't even CLOSE to his real name, and if he ever sees this, he will find it funny that I chose that name for him.]

Ok, so Paco is pissed at me for not giving him the emotional intimacy to which he believes he's entitled. At the very least, he wants to know that I am working on my issues so that he doesn't feel like he's wasting his time with me. Ok, on a cognitive level, I can totally understand that. But on an emotional level, I feel pressured and even, in some ways, betrayed. He just doesn't understand the kind of mess I really am deep down. I mean, I feel like if I let down my defenses for him, I won't be able to do it selectively. At the same time, I'm afraid that I won't be able to put them back up to protect myself from the pain that my enemy is trying very hard to inflict upon me. I feel like I would be vulnerable, and open to attack. And it isn't like we're talking about an attack that MIGHT happen, no, we are talking about ANOTHER attack (see, it has already happened) that WILL happen...and soon.

So, this is the deal...I am supposed to be looking into finding a therapist for myself. I'll tell ya, it's hard for a therapist to admit that he needs one of his own. It's even harder to find one close enough to be practical (Hello, Gasoline is $2.95 /gal here today, and I drive an SUV!!!), and yet distant enough for the arrangement to be anonymous.

Regardless, I have agreed to do it, and I fully intend to do it. I told Paco that it's going to be rough. I'm going to get worse (in terms of my emotional stability and availability) before I get any better. He seems to be supportive of that. I can only wonder if he'll still mean it when he sees what kind of a wreck I could become. I mean, I'm terrified that if I start this process, and open myself up, he won't be able to handle it and I'll be vulnerable AND alone. Eww, NOT a pretty thought (and not pretty to realize as I type it).

Well, as it stands, his friends are throwing a surprise birthday party for another of his friends tonight. I am invited, and will be going. I suppose it will be another night of pretending that everything is ok between us, when the reality is that we are FAR from ok right now. Ugh, welcome to my little world.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

And so it begins....

Yes, this is the requisite "I'm new to this blogging thing so please be nice to me" post.

I'm really only writing this blog for myself. As a mental health professional, I, from time to time, ask my clients to keep journals. This has 2 major effects:
  1. The client is faced with recounting their thoughts, feelings and behaviors each day. This give them an inventory to which they can later refer.
  2. When the client shows me their journal, which they often do, I am better equipped to help them sort it out and make sense of the, seemingly non-apparent, patterns.
So, I've decided to take my own advice. I'm having problems in my own life, and have decided that keeping a journal for myself would be a good thing.

If you are still reading, I'm surprised. Again, this is really just for me.

I've decided to make it public because I'm a tech-geek and just happen to like the tools that have been made available to me here. This is a THERAPEUTIC EXPERIMENT, not journalistic endeavor. So, if you want to comment, go ahead, but be nice. I have no more room in my life for negativity...Especially from f*ck-all strangers.